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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
 
QUESTION: IS IT TRUE THAT BEHIND THE SCARY MASKS AND DEMONIC ODORS, HORSE ROCK ARE ACTUALLY CLEAN-LIVING DECENT CHAPS?
ANSWER: THANK YOU FOR NOTICING THE ZOO-THEMED AROMA-THERAPY BEING TRIALLED AT RECENT HORSE ROCK SHOWS. ZOO SMELLS ARE GENERATED BY A CONCEALED ZOO-SMELL-GENERATOR TO DISGUISE EVEN WORSE SMELLS GENERATED BY THE BAND. THAT'S A LOT OF GENERATING!
 
QUESTION: HOW CAN YOU BE SURE THAT PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY LISTENING AT HORSE ROCK GIGS?
ANSWER: PAYING ATTENTION AT EQUINE SURF EVENTS IS INDEED VERY IMPORTANT. CONSEQUENTLY, THE BAND TAKE IT IN TURNS TO PERFORM EAR EXAMINATIONS ON THE AUDIENCE WHILST THE GIG IS IN PROGRESS. PRIMARILY WE JUST CHECK FOR AND REMOVE PHYSICAL BLOCKAGES SUCH AS EAR PLUGS, COTTON WOOL AND BITS OF FOOD, BUT WE HAVE ALSO BEEN KNOWN TO DO A BIT OF SYRINGING IN EXTREME CASES.
 
QUESTION: ARE HORSE ROCK A ONE TRICK PONY?
ANSWER: DESPITE THE NAME, HORSE ROCK AREN'T ACTUALLY FROM THE EQUINE GENUS, WE ARE INFACT MEN, JUST PAST OUR MENTAL AND PHYSICAL PEAK. BUT YES, WE DO HAVE JUST THE ONE TRICK.
 
QUESTION: IF HORSE ROCK ARE BERKSHIRE'S FAVOURITE EQUINE SURF ACT, HOW COME NO ONE TURNS UP TO YOUR GIGS?
ANSWER: GOOD QUESTION! WE OUTSOURCED OUR LIVE AUDIENCE TO BANGLADESH SEVERAL YEARS BACK AND AS YOU'VE NOTICED, THE RESULTS ARE IMPRESSIVE. WE'RE NOW LOOKING TO OUTSOURCE THE GUITAR PARTS TO A CALL CENTRE IN INDIA.
 
QUESTION: IS IT SAFE TO WEAR HORSE ROCK T-SHIRTS IN PUBLIC?
ANSWER: IN A RECENT STUDY OF 2 PEOPLE CARRIED OUT BY THE HORSE ROCK SCHOOL FOR GIFTED STATISTICIANS, 68% SAID THEY EXPERIENCED NO PHYSICAL PAIN WHILST WEARING THE T-SHIRTS IN PUBLIC, AND OF THOSE, 78% SAID THEY WOULD CONSIDER WEARING THE T-SHIRTS AGAIN. WE BELIEVE THESE FACTS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.
 
QUESTION: IS IT TRUE THAT ASIDES FROM A HUGE RANGE OF INCREDIBLE T-SHIRTS, HORSE ROCK ARE ALSO A BAND WITH SONGS THAT DO GIGS AND STUFF LIKE THAT?
ANSWER: IT IS TRUE, BUT WE DON'T LIKE TO GO ON ABOUT IT.
 
QUESTION: MY 13 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS REALLY INTO PONIES, DO YOU HAVE A WORK EXPERIENCE PROGRAM THAT SHE COULD JOIN TO GET SOME EXPERIENCE IN YOUR STABLES?
ANSWER: HORSE ROCK ARE MEN (AT THEIR PHYSICAL AND MENTAL PEAK) AND CONSEQUENTLY WE DON'T HAVE STABLES, BUT WE DO HAVE A TOILET THAT REQUIRES MUCKING OUT ON A REGULAR BASIS. IF THIS KIND OF ACTIVITY APPEALS TO YOUR 13 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER SHE CAN OBTAIN AN APPLICATION PACK FROM HER LOCAL HORSE ROCK RECRUITMENT OFFICE.
 
QUESTION: HORSE ROCK SEEM LIKE A SAFE BET, HOW DO I GET ON BOARD?
ANSWER: AHOY THERE MATEY! HORSE ROCK SET SAIL FOR SURF CITY EVERY 2 WEEKS. PICK UP A BOARDING CARD FROM ANY EQUINE-APPROVED TRAVEL AGENCY AND PROCEED TO DECK B. SEE YOU THERE!
 
QUESTION: HOW DO I KNOW THAT IT'S REALLY HORSE ROCK UNDER THE MASKS AND NOT PROFESSIONAL MUSICIANS DELIBERATELY PLAYING BADLY?
ANSWER: WHILST HORSE ROCK DO USE STAND-INS FROM TIME TO TIME, WE ARE CAREFUL TO ONLY ENLIST PERSONS WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN NEAR A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT IN THEIR LIFE, TO RETAIN THE TRUE HORSE ROCK SOUND.
 
QUESTION: CAN YOU PLEASE CONFIRM IF HORSE ROCK ARE CURRENTLY BERKSHIRE'S FAVOURITE EQUINE SURF ACT?
ANSWER: FOR MANY YEARS THE STABLE BOYS WERE BERKSHIRE'S FAVOURITE EQUINE SURF ACT, ENTHRALLING AUDIENCES BY PLAYING NOTE-PERFECT EQUINE SURF WHILST RIDING A SINGLE SHIRE HORSE WHICH GALLOPED AROUND THE STAGE AND EVEN JUMPED FENCES. IT WAS TRULY SPECTACULAR. THEN, TRAGEDY STRUCK WHEN THE HORSE WENT MISSING IN THE MIDDLE OF A COLD JANUARY NIGHT IN 2015. WITH THE ONLY CLUE BEING THE LABEL FROM A MEXICAN WRESTLING MASK FOUND AT THE SCENE, POLICE SUSPECTED NO FOUL PLAY AND CLOSED THE CASE. UNABLE TO GET OVER THE LOSS OF THEIR HORSE, THE STABLE BOYS DISBANDED AND NOW HORSE ROCK ARE OFFICIALLY BERKSHIRE'S FAVOURITE EQUINE SURF ACT.
 
QUESTION: IS IT TRUE THAT GETTING 5 (TRACKS) A DAY OF HORSE ROCK CAN PREVENT COLOUR BLINDNESS?
ANSWER: THIS IS CERTAINLY TRUE IN ALL BREEDS OF MINIATURE DOMESTIC HIPPO BUT SADLY REVERSED IN ALL NON-MINIATURE DOMESTIC VARIETIES. PLEASE NOTE THAT NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE EXPERIMENTS CARRIED OUT AT THE HORSE ROCK CENTRE FOR EXCELLENCE AND UNNECESSARY ANIMAL-TESTING BUT AN ENTIRE HERD OF HIPPO HAS NEEDLESSLY BECOME COLOUR BLIND.
 
QUESTION: SINCE MY SON ILLEGALLY DOWNLOADED YOUR NEVER-TO-BE-RELEASED EQUINE SURF ALBUM, HE HAS STARTED BEHAVING UNUSUALLY. HE MOSTLY NOW SLEEPS STANDING UP, INSISTS ON EATING FROM CARRIER BAGS ATTACHED TO HIS EARS AND JUST LAST WEEK STARTED TOILETING ON HIS BEDROOM FLOOR. DO I NEED TO BE CONCERNED BY THIS?
ANSWER: THIS SOUNDS LIKE NORMAL TEENAGE BEHAVIOUR TO US BUT IT COULD BE RELATED TO THE EXPERIMENTAL SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES HIDDEN ON THE NEVER-TO-BE-RELEASED EQUINE SURF ALBUM (AGED VINYL EDITION). UNFORTUNATELY, AS THE SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES WERE INTENDED FOR HORSES WE HAVE SO FAR BEEN UNABLE TO DECIPHER THEIR MEANING BUT HOPE THAT THE OVERALL EFFECT IS AN IMPROVEMENT.
 
QUESTION: ARE HORSE ROCK TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL?
ANSWER: IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE! THE REALITY IS THAT HORSE ROCK ARE NOW SO OLD THAT YOU WILL BE MORE LIKELY TO SEE THEM AT THE SETTING SUN NURSING HOME (ASCOT) THAN ANY CLASSROOMS IN YOUR VICINITY.
 
QUESTION: MY BEST FRIEND DANNY'S OLDER BROTHER SAYS THAT HORSE ROCK WEAR MASKS BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE FACES. IS HE RIGHT?
ANSWER: DANNY'S OLDER BROTHER COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG. NOT ONLY DOES EACH MEMBER OF HORSE ROCK HAVE A FACE BUT THEY ALL HAVE AWARD-WINING FACES. IT IS BECAUSE OF THIS THAT THE BAND HAVE DECIDED TO WEAR MASKS SO AS NOT TO DISTRACT THE AUDIENCE FROM THE MUSIC. UNLIKE MANY OF THEIR EQUINE SURF CONTEMPORARIES, HORSE ROCK ARE ALL ABOUT MUSIC AND NOT LOOKS!
 
QUESTION: I'VE BEEN INFORMED BY MY SPIRITUAL ADVISER THAT THE ONLY GUARANTEED WAY TO SECURE A PLACEMENT IN THE AFTER-LIFE IS THROUGH CAREFUL LISTENING AND ANALYSIS OF EQUINE SURF MUSIC. ARE YOU ABLE TO PROVIDE ANY GUIDANCE ON THIS?
ANSWER: AS ANY REPUTABLE SPIRITUAL ADVISOR KNOWS, TRUE SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT CAN ONLY BE ACHEIVED THROUGH CONTINUOUS STUDY OF HORSE ROCK LYRICS. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!
 
QUESTION: IN LIGHT OF THE RECENT HORSE MEAT SCANDAL, HAS HORSE ROCK TESTED POSITIVE FOR HORSE MEAT?
ANSWER: HORSE ROCK USE ONLY LOCALLY SOURCED INGEDIENTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD IN THEIR MUSIC. THAT SAID, HORSE DNA WAS PRESENT IN ONE TRACK WHICH HAS NOW BEEN WITHDRAWN.
 
QUESTION: MY FRIEND'S COUSIN SAYS THAT HORSE ROCK USE REAL HORSES ON STAGE FOR BACKING VOCALS. IS THIS TRUE?
ANSWER: UNFORTUNATELY YOUR FRIEND'S COUSIN IS QUITE IGNORANT ON THIS MATTER, WE ONLY HAVE 1 HORSE ON STAGE FOR BACKING VOCALS, THE REST ARE NORMALLY BACKSTAGE SMOKING.
 
QUESTION: DO HORSE ROCK USE PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS?
ANSWER: YES, BUT ONLY THOSE WHICH HAVE BEEN APPROVED BY THE N.E.V.C (NATIONAL EQUINE VETINARY COUNCIL)
 
QUESTION: I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THE "AGED VINYL" PROCESS. CAN I GET A NORMAL VERSION OF THE EQUINE SURF ALBUM?
ANSWER: NO! HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK SUCH A THING?
 
QUESTION: WILL THE EQUINE SURF ALBUM EVER BE RELEASED?
ANSWER: NEVER!
 
QUESTION: I WAS ONE OF THE 13 PEOPLE THAT SAW HORSE ROCK LIVE IN BRACKNELL IN FEB 2012, AND IT WAS AWFUL. THE DRUMMER KEPT DROPPING HIS STICKS, THE GUITARIST MISSED HALF OF THE NOTES, THE ONLY GOOD THING WAS THE BASSIST AND HE'S QUIT!
ANSWER: THAT'S A STATEMENT AND NOT A QUESTION.
 
QUESTION: I WAS ONE OF THE 11 PEOPLE THAT SAW HORSE ROCK LIVE IN BRACKNELL IN FEB 2012, AND IT WAS GREAT! WHEN ARE YOU PLAYING NEXT?
ANSWER: ARE YOU SURE THAT WAS US? PLEASE CHECK THE GIGS PAGE OR OUR FACEBOOK PAGE FOR ALL GIG UPDATES.
 
QUESTION: WHAT'S WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS AND WHO ASKS THEM?
ANSWER: INDEED. IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION RELATED TO HORSE ROCK PLEASE SEND IT TO horserock@live.co.uk AND WAIT PATIENTLY IN YOUR NEAREST TELEPHONE BOOTH FOR A RESPONSE.
 
 
horserock@live.co.uk